Dear Ma,
I know that you love me a lot and so do I. You are everything to me – my first friend, my first teacher, my first love, my safe haven in this confusing world which is wonderful and yet scary at times. But Ma, sometimes even you seem scary. Especially when I am not “behaving” myself.
Ma, I wish I could tell you that I do not intend to “behave badly” – I just cannot seem to help it!
I wish I could tell you that when I am badly behaved, all I need really, is for you to hold me close, even when I am flaying my arms and legs about wildly as though I am pushing you away. I wish I could tell you that when I am crying my lungs out at something seemingly petty, all I need is for you to sit close to me and not talk (or yell) but listen Ma – not just with your ears but with your eyes too – because every once in a while I just cannot seem to hold it all together and handle it.
Can we hug instead Ma?
Ma, I really do wish to tell you calmly in those moments, that I am hungry or tired or the noise and the lights and the excitement is a bit much for me and I wish to go someplace quiet – just you and me and find calm in your snug bosom. The words don’t come, but the tears do, and you may think I am doing this deliberately to annoy you and tire you out when you are already so tired at the end of the day.
Can we hug instead Ma?
Sometimes, I try really hard to keep it together and not cry, and keep following you around asking you to play with me. Ma, I not trying to stifle you with my clinginess. I know you want to just lie down or read a book or use the bathroom in silence and say no. And just like that the tears that I have been holding back, come out in a seemingly disproportionate manner and you get angry. I know you try so hard to not yell or get upset at me, but at the same time I just don’t know yet, how to tell you that I need you to lend me your calm and stay with me till I learn to let this feeling of overwhelm pass.
Can we hug instead Ma?
I am sure you must be wondering how difficult can it be for someone to fall off to sleep, when they are visibly sleepy and exhausted. I take even longer when I am over tired and I end up making you feel exasperated. I don’t know how to tell you yet, that I am unable to calm myself down and that I need your help.
Can we hug instead Ma?
The next time I push your buttons, can we just hold onto each other and just stay there – listening to each other – not with our ears but with our eyes? Can we hug Ma?
Love,
Your toddler
